Keep On Trekking

The past year (and a half) have been the hardest days in my life. I have faced frightening circumstances that have played out in public. The pain and embarrassment was almost too much to bear at times. You may have no idea what I've been through because I have done my very best to look the same. I am scared to death of you. What you have been saying behind my back, whispering in your living rooms and talking about me in your circles. If I could really talk to you and you could really listen. I'd tell you I had no idea how all this happened. I didn't plan to fail or have personal issues. I didn't want this for my life.

Oh I know were it all went wrong. I've replayed the tapes a million times. The path I took didn't look wrong, just a little different. There were just so many voices telling me what to do and I got stuck. If only I could go back and change where I took the turn. Have you noticed that big trouble begins when we say no to something God has provided for us and look to our own more rational, reasonable ideas?
There were days when I felt like I would die, like I couldn't breathe. I felt like there was no way out.
All sorts of people came around. People who wanted to help. People who wanted to judge. People who wanted to know just how bad it had really gotten. People who wanted to know how sorry I was.
My heart was so misshaped that I did not know who to trust.

Then I studied Breaking Free by Beth Moore and this summer When Godly People do UnGodly Things by Beth Moore. God has used these studies to teach me, speak to me. He is raising me from the very thing that has been the death of me. He really does want to give me a future. I don't deserve one. You see I have done some pretty evil things in my life. I make no excuses for my actions. I am so sorry for the choices I've made. I want my life to be a real testament to God's mercy and grace. Thankfully He didn't leave us without a way home. Psalm 138:6-8.
I'm getting back on track with God.
I've been tempted to worry about what you are thinking or saying. I'm releasing you and my pride to the Lord. I'm releasing my overwhelming desire to take up for myself and write details of situations.
My pride has taken a beating through this whole thing. God wants it to die. So I'm letting Him stomp on it until it's gone. I'm seeking His approval, not your's.
I wanted to quit, to run, to turn away. I've been so hurt and I'm afraid. But I'm gonna do what the Word says. Disregard some of my feelings. He is protecting my injured heart. Psalm 56:3-4
I'm so thankful for the Bible Studies and real friends He has given me. I would still be stuck if it weren't for them showing me mercy and grace during this time. I was a bit paralyzed, not knowing where to go. They restored me in a spirit of gentleness.

My failures will be used for good one day. I paid an enormous price for the foolish decisions I have made out of an unhealthy heart and soul. Memories from my past can be heartlessly haunting. I am seeking sanctification through and through no matter what happens tomorrow. It's a new day and I couldn't be more thankful. I'm loving my life more and more everyday.
I keep on trekking believing my legacy will not be stupidity, it will be grace. 2 Peter 3:18